Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Nowhere close to the real thing

I am eating a grapefruit.

I really want a cadbury's creme egg, or a fist full of jelly beans, or some marshmallow peeps. I was deprived of easter candy this year, and easter candy is the best. I feel like i set myself up for a racy first time at prom, only to get stood up by my date.

Random.

I'm eating a grapefruit, enjoying the scent of the peel, slowly removing every speck of white pith. I'm eating each segment individually, tearing open the wedge to reveal the glimmering, juicy pink flesh.

Damn it, I want some chocolate.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Best meal of the day

When I was growing up, I never *ever* left the house without eating breakfast first. I sat down every morning to a bowl of cereal with milk. Sometimes I had toast, but toast takes a little longer and I'm all for sleeping as much as possible.
 
Then I moved out of my parents' house, and stopped eating breakfast. Mostly because I'm for sleeping as much as possible, and the 10 minutes it takes to pour a bowl of cereal, eat it and wash the dish out was 10 minutes I could have spent sleeping.
 
But now I've realized that I can't make it through the day without eating. I have lunch around 1:00, so to work for a good 5 hours on an empty stomach results in Megan eating burgers and chips and chocolate bars all afternoon.
 
I usually eat fruit first thing in the morning, but then around 10:30 I warm up a bowl of instant oatmeal and eat at my desk. It's satisfying, it's high in fibre, oatmeal is good for you.
 
But instant oatmeal isn't as good for you as the slow-cooking old fashioned types. And even better for you is the minimally processed steel cut oat type!
 
Yesterday I made some steel cut oats, enough for the rest of the week, and portioned them out into gladware. Heated up, mixed with a teaspoon of peanut butter and a teaspoon of jelly or jam, this is the best breakfast in the whole entire world. I am so full, hours later! This is a happy breakfast find, indeed.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

WI: Down

As in, my weight was down, not my spirits.

(Coooorny!)

I lost 2.6 lbs this week. Considering I hit a brunch buffet on Sunday morning and had a staff potluck on Monday- oh, and yesterday was my birthday- I think that's awesome.

It would be so much easier, I just realized, if I just put up what my actual weight was. But you know...for so many years, I kept that number close to my chest. I don't think there is anyone in my life, not my mother, not my boyfriend, not my friends, who actually knows what I weigh. Am I alone in this?

Let's just say that now I weigh the exact same as my handsome boyfriend. Considering that we're the same height, I sometimes contemplate how much money we could save if we just shared clothes. But Gary doesn't really look so great in pink, and that would totally be a problem.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Fresh Start

Day one of being back on track went remarkably well. It's not hard, following Weight Watchers. It's eating like a normal human being. A normal human being without a proclivity towards poutine, sure, but a relatively normal human being.

I attended an event last weekend with a silent auction. I got a phone call yesterday afternoon and apparently I won one of the packages. I only bid on two, a gift bag from a local coffee shop, and a package from a private fitness studio in the neighbourhood I used to live in.

I won the fitness package!

For $50, I got two 3 month memberships and two steel water bottles. If they won't let me combine the two memberships into one 6-month membership, I've already got a gym buddy on the hook.

I am pumped. This news could not come at a better time, as the treadmill in our building is kaput and knowing our building management company, may never be repaired.
 
With two months to go until my cousin's wedding, and about three until my trip to Europe- I've got a long road ahead but a great head start.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

MIA, Back on Track

Okay, I'll admit it. I've gone off plan. I gained a little, lost a little, and this morning I stayed the same.

The last few weeks have been challenging for me. My access to the social regions of the interwebs have been somewhat restricted during the day, and I just don't feel like it most of the time at night. I get most of my motivation through the WW message boards, reading weight-loss blogs and communicating with other people who are doing the same thing as I- and I've totally gone off the radar.

I didn't track last week. I went to Banff for the weekend (two weekends ago, now) and didn't track then. I gave myself the "weekend off" but then, as usual, that rolled into the next week. And then the first few days of this week. I've been trying to stay relatively within my WW means, but I did let myself eat poutine, pizza and chocolate without tracking any of it.

Bad Megan.

And then, to make things absolutely worse, the treadmill in our building is broken. So no C25K movement, either.

I've been feeling down emotionally, I'm not adapting well to change in my life (work, change of address, moving in with my boyfriend, etc) and I'm really stressed out about a lot of  it. And I needed a break. I needed to go easy on myself. Okay, I wanted poutine, damn it!

But now I'm back. I acknowledge that all of the above are excuses, that I need to do what's right for myself, and that I can't cut myself any more big breaks.

I tracked today, I'm committed to staying on plan this weekend (even though it's my birthday- gulp!) and I am feeling very positive about it.

Now, hopefully the weather improves, or they fix the treadmill, because I want to get back on the running program! As horrible as it sounds- and the 'old' me would die laughing- I miss it!

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

'twas the night before weigh in

I'm nervous today. It's bizarre- I know I've been good this week. I've eaten reasonably, stayed within my allotted points and hauled my lycra-clad butt onto the treadmill four times.

But I'm weighing in tomorrow, and I'm nervous, because I want that number to be down. I set a mini-goal for my birthday, April 7, and I don't think I'm going to reach it unless I see big losses every week between now and then.

It can get really discouraging to work really hard and then see no movement on the scale, or a small loss, or a gain. It doesn't seem fair! It doesn't seem right! It's infuriating sometimes!

But I know my body does good things for me, and I'm trying really hard to do good things for it. I only get one, and I'm stuck with it, so it had better last and I had better take good care of it!!

Tonight after work I came home, got undressed with the intention of putting on my gym togs, and then...stalled. The bed, the sunlight, it was all soo tempting.

So I lolled about for twenty minutes. Ahh, sweet, sweet down time.

Then I got up, got dressed, and hussled down to do Week Two, Day One of the C25K. And I'm not going to BS you- it sucked. The first half of it sucked. Then it got better. Then it was over.

This week, the running interval is upped to 90 seconds, and the walking is also (thank GOD) upped to 2 minutes. Again, post-warmup, you alternate the two for twenty minutes, then cool down.

I have to laugh- it's really pathetic, but funny, that running for 90 seconds makes me want to die.

But I did it. I did it at a higher speed than I did the running intervals on Sunday, and for the last round, I really gave 'er.

And I finished it.

It is yet to be seen whether I die tonight or early tomorrow morning from pain related to running for a full minute and a half. I'll keep you updated. ;)

Sunday, March 15, 2009

C25K: Week One, Day Three

I am a chump who loves punishment.

I don't usually work out on Sundays, but I found myself with an abundance of Me Time this afternoon, and when the decision came down to do laundry or go exercise, I opted for the workout.

I didn't really want to do the C25K today. I've been really sore all weekend, particularly in my hips and my shoulders. I definitely need new running shoes- the ones I got at the Bay for $15 four years ago are really about to give up!

I went down to the fitness room with the intention of cycling for 30 minutes, or maybe using the eliptical, but the room was empty and surprising myself, I gunned straight for the treadmill.

I ran the intervals at a slower pace today, but still did the entire workout. On Friday, I tried to up my speed considerably, but I just wasn't feeling it today. I'm still proud of myself, even if I jogged at a pathetic 4-4.5 mph.

I'm trying now to focus on endurance- just jogging or running for 30 minutes straight is going to be a challenge! Once I get there, then I'll try to ramp up my speed. Any runners lurking? Does that sound reasonable, or am I doing it backwards?

Friday, March 13, 2009

C25K: Week One, Day Two

Well, I did it again.

I can't say that it was easy. Actually, today's workout was harder than the last one, and I'm not entirely sure why. I'm really feeling it in my hips, and I think my shoes are almost to the point of tossing them in the dumpster.

But I'm proud of myself, for doing it again. It would have been so easy to not do the C25K workout today; it's Friday, yesterday was an awful, awful day, and I'm tired!

But of course, as always, I feel so much better physically and emotionally now that I've worked out.

And I don't feel so bad about the deeeelicious ginger beef I had for lunch.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Couch to 5 K: Week One, Day One

I did it!

I was lucky enough to have the fitness room to myself last night after work, so I wasn't even remotely shy.

Week One involves a 5-minute warm up, and then intervals of 60 seconds of jogging or running and 90 seconds of walking. I did the intervals for the prescribed 20 minutes, then did a 5-minute cool down and a stretch.

I kept a reasonable pace of jogging and walking intervals, but I didn't over-do it. I can even walk this morning. Yay for me!

Someday soon, I'll be that fit, spunky girl running by the river, through the countryside, around medieval cities in Europe (when I go to Germany in June), along the beach. Hotness ensues.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Couch to 5K Day One: Failure to Launch

I hate running.

Running reminds me of being in junior high and high school. Of playing basketball and volleyball and being on the track team, and always being the slowest. It's embarassment, it's letting a team down, it's sitting on the bench because I just wasn't strong or fast enough.

Running makes me feel bad about myself, about my body and the things I'm capable of.

So why the heck am I starting a running program that aims to get me from not ever running to running 5 km non-stop?

Because I want to feel good about myself. I want to know that my body is capable of so much more than I give it credit for. Because I want that poor chubby teenage girl I carry around inside me to finally feel good about herself.

And because running is something you can do anywhere. It's cheap. It can be done outside, inside, on vacation.

So yesterday, I downloaded and printed off this program, which I've had bookmarked for years. I laced up my runners, powered up my iPod shuffle and headed to the fitness room in our building. I was psyched. I was psyched to start a new program, to cross things off a training schedule and just to get going.

But when I got downstairs, there was someone on the treadmill. I thought, okay, I'll just warm up on the bike and I'm sure he'll be done in 10 minutes anyway.

40 minutes and one moderately-intense cross-circuit on the bike later, dude was still walking on the treadmill, I was sweaty, and Day One was a bust.

Today. Today I will start. Today will be the day.

Fingers crossed.

WI: March 11

I was up 0.4 lbs today.

Which I suppose isn't too bad. This is my first gain in 8 weeks, and I'm still following weight watchers to the letter. I'm sure I'll see the numbers go back down next week.

Considering that when I stepped on the scale on Monday for my unofficial weigh in (the one that prompted my change in weigh in days), I was up 2.6 lbs; not so bad.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Changing my Weigh-in Day

I usually weigh myself on Mondays. I try really hard not to step on the scale more than once a week, because the numbers drive me crazy.

I picked Mondays because I thought it would keep me from going nuts on the weekend. I tend to eat way more- almost twice as much- on Saturdays and Sundays than I do during the week, and I thought that knowing I had to weigh in on Monday would help curtail that.

But it hasn't been, and I find it really stressful to step on the scale after the weekend. I want to enjoy my life, in moderation, and I don't want to sabotage myself because one or two days out of seven I ate a little more and the numbers are up.

So I'm moving my weigh in day to Wednesday.

I'll be honest- I stepped on the scale this morning and didn't like what I saw. But I know that yesterday's brunch and grilled cheese dinner didn't help- and that maybe by Wednesday things will level out.

Here's hoping.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Watching Skinny People

I've always been the person at the table who is bitter about the fact that her skinny friends can eat whatever they want and stay skinny.

Lately, I've been observing what one of my coworkers eats on a regular basis. She's very fit, quite athletic, and really healthy.

She doesn't eat sweets because she doesn't like them, which doesn't help me out any, but I have learned that the key to her "eating whatever I want" appears to be as simple as portion control and moderation.

When I'm not trying to lose weight, I eat whatever I want. I am fortunate enough, I suppose, to have a body that doesn't show an extra 15 lbs. (This is also a downside because now I've lost 15 lbs and it's not noticeable!) But that means that every single day, I eat something fried, something from the pastry case at starbucks, a snack from the convenience store.

My coworker doesn't. She eats ice cream and chinese food and pizza- but not all in one day. Not heaping platters. Not every day.

My ultimate goal, aside from losing the 40 lbs I've set my Weight Watchers goal as, is to be healthy. To fuel my body with the nutrients it needs, to eat less processed food, to be fit. There is room for ice cream and pizza in that lifestyle, I just need to learn a few lessons first.

Does anyone have any ideas for books or websites that might help me? I've heard so much about the book The Beck Diet Solution but I've never looked at it. Any ideas?

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Hump Day!

Last night I tried out one of my new workout dvd purchases. I couldn't get the disc to run on my ibook, but I ran it through my boyfriend's computer. It's fun following a workout video on a computer monitor...har. I'll have to get him to teach me how to switch the output feed to our 33 inch tv instead.

The disc I tried out was Crunch Fitness' Go Go Dance. I'm going to do it one more time before I review it thoroughly, but it was a decent workout. Sometimes I don't feel like hauling myself down to the X-CENTRE! and just want to work up a sweat. This video is good to have on hand for those occasions.

I don't know why I think anyone would be interested in what I ate today...but here's the roundup so far!

At home, 8:00 am
1 slice whole-wheat toast
1 tbs natural peanut butter

At the office, 10:30 am
1 cup cottage cheese
1 tbs reduced-sugar strawberry jam

Out for lunch, 1:30 pm
3 cups mixed greens
1 grilled chicken breast
1 tbs viniagrette (on the side, I dip my fork in. I don't really like dressing!)

Sitting on my desk for a snack is a smores Luna bar, but I'm not really hungry. I've tracked it already, so I might eat it, or I might save it for tomorrow. I haven't a clue what I'm going to make for dinner tonight- and that's unusual!! I really don't feel like cooking, and tomorrow I'm making Italian Wedding Soup so maybe I can convince el boyfriendo to take me out or make something for me :)

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Going to the Diner

Last night an old friend of mine was in town and wanted to go out for dinner. I'm all for going out for dinner- WW is really flexible, and this is something I'm going to have to do for the rest of my life. I can't very well avoid restaurants for eternity, can I?

She wanted to go to our favourite old hangout, a 50's style diner. We used to go for brunch on Sundays, hung over and barely held together. The hashbrowns, sausage, home-made bread with slabs of butter and their pecan pie held us together after many breakups, bad exam results, friend dramas and assorted and sundry early 20's worries.

I had 7 points left over from the day, because of an unexpected office birthday party and a craving for a cookie at lunchtime. I also had my 35 weekly points to use, so I knew if I made reasonable choices, I'd be fine.

I was torn between three options: a spinach and roasted vegetable salad, a grilled cheese sandwich and their deluxe, giant, bubbling, hot creamy macaroni and cheese.

I decided to split the difference and get the grilled cheese sandwich with a side salad. It was good- crunchy, cheesy, and filling. I ate half the sandwich and the whole salad, and brought the rest home for my boyfriend.

And I skipped the pecan pie.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Weigh In: Monday, March 2

This morning I was down 2.2 lbs, for a total of 15 lbs since I started Weight Watchers again on January 12th. I met my goal for the month of February!

I feel great. I feel really, really great. Only 6.4 lbs to go until I've lost 10% of my starting body weight. Woo hoo!

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Goals for the week

I've heard that it is important to set goals. I believe it, and on the grand scale, I definitely have a goal. My mini-goal for February was to be 14 pounds or more below my starting weight- and tomorrow morning I'll find out if I made that goal or not. 1.4 lbs or more and I'll have done it!

For the month of March, I'd like to hit my 10% weight loss goal. I'm still squeamish about posting those actual numbers, but I might come around.

This week, I am determined to:

-go to the gym/work out at least 3 times
-Eat all of my Daily Points and Weekly Points, and half or more of my earned Activity Points
-Make sure I meet each day's Good Health Guidelines for dairy, vegetables, fruit, multivitamin and "healthy oil"

Hopefully the result I'll see is a good one! My new workout DVDs should be in this week- I'll be posting a review of them after I've tried them out a few times.

Saturday, February 28, 2009

Eating is for when you're hungry

I'm not having a great day.

I'm sick and I spent the last four hours scrubbing clean an oven that I didn't mess up. I feel like that's a metaphor for my entire life right now, and I'm tired. I'm tired, I'm cranky, I'm feeling neglected and I'll admit it, a little under-appreciated in every aspect of my life.

Normally, this would result in me crash-landing head first into a plate of cookies, a pile of french fries, a giant cupcake, or a bag of chips- or all of the above.

I scrubbed out that oven, charcoal bits flying everywhere, muttering to myself, scripting an argument in my head that I'll never actually say out loud, and all I thought of was what treat I was going to reward and soothe myself with after.

In the shower, I leaned against the tiles and swore softly, angry at myself and feeling alone. This was definitely a hard core sweet-and-salty emergency.

With wet hair and flip-flops, I ran downstairs to the convenient (har) little store in our building. I picked up a bottle of old faithful, my Diet Coke, and sought out the snack that would make me feel happy.

One bag of famous amos chocolate chip cookies came back up to our apartment with me.

And then I thought about it.

Would eating those cookies by myself on the couch; shoving them mindlessly into my mouth REALLY make me feel better? Would that really resolve the feelings of inadequacy and being overwhelmed? Would that really answer my problems and make me feel better about being un-invited (but please send a gift!!) to a stupid baby shower?

No.

It wouldn't.

So I planned out a reasonable meal; cottage cheese, fruit, and some natural peanut butter on toast. Sweet, creamy, salty and crunchy. And all for less calories than that little, tiny, disapointing bag of bland cookies would contain.

And when my boyfriend gets home, he had better freaking appreciate that clean oven.

Friday, February 27, 2009

Reasons Why

I have wanted to lose weight for the majority of my almost-25 years on this planet.

I remember being less than 10 years old and going on a diet. Puberty was tough, and I knew the ins and outs of staying away from full-fat foods at a very early age (at least in public; my "secret" binge-eating has always been a problem).

I wished as a teenager that I had the willpower and the lack of common sense to starve myself thin. (In hindsight, I'm really really happy that I didn't!)

Before I graduated from high school, I was bound and determined to be skinny. I never was skinny, but before I slipped into my hot-pink gown, I had lost weight by doing hundreds and thousands of crunches, lunges and squats in my bedroom.

I was convinced in University that I'd never meet a nice guy and have a boyfriend until I was a much smaller Megan.

And now, I'm a fully blown adult and I have many different reasons.

I want to lose weight because:

-I want to wear a smaller dress size
-I want to buy clothes in whatever store I choose
-I want to look great and be proud of how I feel in my cousin's wedding photos- and maybe my own someday soon
-I want my boyfriend to be proud of his hot girlfriend
-I want to look extra great when I meet G's family this summer
-I want to be able to do whatever I want- hike, run, ski, without worrying about whether or not I am physically able to keep up
-When the time comes, I want to be able to buy a wedding gown off the rack, in a non-plus size
-I want to wear a bathing suit with pride
-I want to live a long, healthy, happy life

That's a basic list to start. It's the kind of reminder I need on a Friday afternoon where I just want to dive head-first into something warm and cheesy!

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Wiggle Room

I haven't been doing really well this week.

I've eaten a few cookies, indulged in a chocolate bar, and haven't set foot anywhere near a treadmill, bike or elliptical.

But I've stayed within my daily points range, so that in the very least is something to be proud of.

I'm also suffering a head cold, and the very last thing I want to do when I have a stuffed nose and a sore throat is work up a sweat. Which is really too bad, because I feel so good after I get some exercise.

Oh, well. Next week will be better. This weekend will be a good one, of relaxing, staying within my diet goals and maybe, if my head clears, a good run-walk session.

(and next week, my new workout DVDs will arrive...yoga and GO GO DANCING!!)

Monday, February 23, 2009

Weigh In: Monday February 23

I stepped on the scale this morning and was down one pound.

I should be happy. No, I am happy- but I should be happier. A one-pound loss is nothing to scoff at. The scale went in the right direction. If I lost one pound a week for a year, I'd be down over 50 pounds.

But it's hard to put that in perspective sometimes. I want to take the weight off NOW. I want to look better. I want to feel better. I want to be happy with that number, with the size I wear. I want someone to notice!

I know they say that the slower you take it off, the harder it is to put back on, but I sort of think that's crap. And I really want poutine.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Cheese

I love a good sandwich. I love a good sandwich with cheese.

Cheese is one of my serious trigger foods. I can't just have a little cheese. Giving up cheese is probably one of my biggest struggles with Weight Watchers.

To clarify, I don't have to give it up. That is one of the great things about WW- I can eat whatever I want. I can use my daily POINTS allowance on just cheese, if that's what blows my hair back. But that wouldn't be particularly healthy, or filling.

I just can't have it around me. Chocolate, chips, cookies, candy- whatever, I can take a pass on them. But cheese and crackers?

Oh, sweet death.

So today I was deciding on what I'd have for lunch. It's Friday, so I'm treating myself with a lunch bought from somewhere, instead of prepared at home. I had convinced myself that I would go next door to Dairy Queen for a hamburger and small fries (totally On Plan, as they say). But halfway out the door, I realized that if I was going to treat myself, I didn't want to cop out with a crummy fast-food burger.

I hit up the deli at safeway and ordered a roast beef sandwich on whole wheat. With cheese.

It was wonderful. It was filling. It was satisfying, and delicious, and healthy. Yum. Yay for me, yay for cheese, boo to fast food crap.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Gonna make you sweat

Last night I hit the recently-renovated and newly renamed fitness room (sorry... "
X-CENTRE!"!) in our apartment building.

It has to be the most depressing room in the entire universe.

The walls are painted a hideous orange-yellow shade, but about two coats short of full coverage. The three cardio machines- a bike, a treadmill and an eliptical- are brand new, but not of the highest quality. And the 'universal gym' system thing resembles an ancient torture device.

But I go. Because I'm cheap, and renewing my YMCA membership just isn't in the cards right now.

I get home at 5:10, so if I don't stop when I walk through the door, I can usually get down to the X-CENTRE! by 5:20. Last night I was lucky and had the room to myself. I did a 35 minute interval workout on the bike, which almost made me die by minute 21.

Then I stretched, hauled my sweaty butt through the East tower, across the pool, and back upstairs in the West tower to our apartment, where I did an equally intense 30 minute free-weights-and-cardio DVD.

I am truly shocked that I can even walk today. And equally proud of myself.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Tight, White and Shiny*

Those are the three words I repeat to myself on days like today.

Days when the triple-layer chocolate cake sitting in the staff break room keeps calling my name. Or when I know that what I really want to do is go home after work and crash on the couch with a bag of chips and watch Sex and the City re-runs.

But the ticking clock and a reminder of the sleeveless, short, bias-cut bridesmaid's dress I've got to put on in May are enough to boost my willpower.

About a month ago, I joined Weight Watchers- again. This time I'm following their Online program, which is cheaper, less public and works for me. I've done the meetings thing before, in 2004, and lost about 25 lbs. It felt great, I loved it, it was easy...and then I quit.

Since then, I've gained back that weight, and lost the same ten pounds of it over and over and over. I've joined gyms, done yoga, participated in the Self Magazine Fitness Challenge and sworn off sweets, fries and cheese more times than I can count.

So why do I think I can make a difference now?

Because I'm ready.

Because I value myself more than I used to.

Because I know I can, because I know I need to, and because I can't bear the thought of being photographed at my current size and shape in a slinky little dress.



*To be fair, it's a relatively forgiving cut, ivory and satin.