Saturday, February 28, 2009

Eating is for when you're hungry

I'm not having a great day.

I'm sick and I spent the last four hours scrubbing clean an oven that I didn't mess up. I feel like that's a metaphor for my entire life right now, and I'm tired. I'm tired, I'm cranky, I'm feeling neglected and I'll admit it, a little under-appreciated in every aspect of my life.

Normally, this would result in me crash-landing head first into a plate of cookies, a pile of french fries, a giant cupcake, or a bag of chips- or all of the above.

I scrubbed out that oven, charcoal bits flying everywhere, muttering to myself, scripting an argument in my head that I'll never actually say out loud, and all I thought of was what treat I was going to reward and soothe myself with after.

In the shower, I leaned against the tiles and swore softly, angry at myself and feeling alone. This was definitely a hard core sweet-and-salty emergency.

With wet hair and flip-flops, I ran downstairs to the convenient (har) little store in our building. I picked up a bottle of old faithful, my Diet Coke, and sought out the snack that would make me feel happy.

One bag of famous amos chocolate chip cookies came back up to our apartment with me.

And then I thought about it.

Would eating those cookies by myself on the couch; shoving them mindlessly into my mouth REALLY make me feel better? Would that really resolve the feelings of inadequacy and being overwhelmed? Would that really answer my problems and make me feel better about being un-invited (but please send a gift!!) to a stupid baby shower?

No.

It wouldn't.

So I planned out a reasonable meal; cottage cheese, fruit, and some natural peanut butter on toast. Sweet, creamy, salty and crunchy. And all for less calories than that little, tiny, disapointing bag of bland cookies would contain.

And when my boyfriend gets home, he had better freaking appreciate that clean oven.

Friday, February 27, 2009

Reasons Why

I have wanted to lose weight for the majority of my almost-25 years on this planet.

I remember being less than 10 years old and going on a diet. Puberty was tough, and I knew the ins and outs of staying away from full-fat foods at a very early age (at least in public; my "secret" binge-eating has always been a problem).

I wished as a teenager that I had the willpower and the lack of common sense to starve myself thin. (In hindsight, I'm really really happy that I didn't!)

Before I graduated from high school, I was bound and determined to be skinny. I never was skinny, but before I slipped into my hot-pink gown, I had lost weight by doing hundreds and thousands of crunches, lunges and squats in my bedroom.

I was convinced in University that I'd never meet a nice guy and have a boyfriend until I was a much smaller Megan.

And now, I'm a fully blown adult and I have many different reasons.

I want to lose weight because:

-I want to wear a smaller dress size
-I want to buy clothes in whatever store I choose
-I want to look great and be proud of how I feel in my cousin's wedding photos- and maybe my own someday soon
-I want my boyfriend to be proud of his hot girlfriend
-I want to look extra great when I meet G's family this summer
-I want to be able to do whatever I want- hike, run, ski, without worrying about whether or not I am physically able to keep up
-When the time comes, I want to be able to buy a wedding gown off the rack, in a non-plus size
-I want to wear a bathing suit with pride
-I want to live a long, healthy, happy life

That's a basic list to start. It's the kind of reminder I need on a Friday afternoon where I just want to dive head-first into something warm and cheesy!

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Wiggle Room

I haven't been doing really well this week.

I've eaten a few cookies, indulged in a chocolate bar, and haven't set foot anywhere near a treadmill, bike or elliptical.

But I've stayed within my daily points range, so that in the very least is something to be proud of.

I'm also suffering a head cold, and the very last thing I want to do when I have a stuffed nose and a sore throat is work up a sweat. Which is really too bad, because I feel so good after I get some exercise.

Oh, well. Next week will be better. This weekend will be a good one, of relaxing, staying within my diet goals and maybe, if my head clears, a good run-walk session.

(and next week, my new workout DVDs will arrive...yoga and GO GO DANCING!!)

Monday, February 23, 2009

Weigh In: Monday February 23

I stepped on the scale this morning and was down one pound.

I should be happy. No, I am happy- but I should be happier. A one-pound loss is nothing to scoff at. The scale went in the right direction. If I lost one pound a week for a year, I'd be down over 50 pounds.

But it's hard to put that in perspective sometimes. I want to take the weight off NOW. I want to look better. I want to feel better. I want to be happy with that number, with the size I wear. I want someone to notice!

I know they say that the slower you take it off, the harder it is to put back on, but I sort of think that's crap. And I really want poutine.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Cheese

I love a good sandwich. I love a good sandwich with cheese.

Cheese is one of my serious trigger foods. I can't just have a little cheese. Giving up cheese is probably one of my biggest struggles with Weight Watchers.

To clarify, I don't have to give it up. That is one of the great things about WW- I can eat whatever I want. I can use my daily POINTS allowance on just cheese, if that's what blows my hair back. But that wouldn't be particularly healthy, or filling.

I just can't have it around me. Chocolate, chips, cookies, candy- whatever, I can take a pass on them. But cheese and crackers?

Oh, sweet death.

So today I was deciding on what I'd have for lunch. It's Friday, so I'm treating myself with a lunch bought from somewhere, instead of prepared at home. I had convinced myself that I would go next door to Dairy Queen for a hamburger and small fries (totally On Plan, as they say). But halfway out the door, I realized that if I was going to treat myself, I didn't want to cop out with a crummy fast-food burger.

I hit up the deli at safeway and ordered a roast beef sandwich on whole wheat. With cheese.

It was wonderful. It was filling. It was satisfying, and delicious, and healthy. Yum. Yay for me, yay for cheese, boo to fast food crap.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Gonna make you sweat

Last night I hit the recently-renovated and newly renamed fitness room (sorry... "
X-CENTRE!"!) in our apartment building.

It has to be the most depressing room in the entire universe.

The walls are painted a hideous orange-yellow shade, but about two coats short of full coverage. The three cardio machines- a bike, a treadmill and an eliptical- are brand new, but not of the highest quality. And the 'universal gym' system thing resembles an ancient torture device.

But I go. Because I'm cheap, and renewing my YMCA membership just isn't in the cards right now.

I get home at 5:10, so if I don't stop when I walk through the door, I can usually get down to the X-CENTRE! by 5:20. Last night I was lucky and had the room to myself. I did a 35 minute interval workout on the bike, which almost made me die by minute 21.

Then I stretched, hauled my sweaty butt through the East tower, across the pool, and back upstairs in the West tower to our apartment, where I did an equally intense 30 minute free-weights-and-cardio DVD.

I am truly shocked that I can even walk today. And equally proud of myself.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Tight, White and Shiny*

Those are the three words I repeat to myself on days like today.

Days when the triple-layer chocolate cake sitting in the staff break room keeps calling my name. Or when I know that what I really want to do is go home after work and crash on the couch with a bag of chips and watch Sex and the City re-runs.

But the ticking clock and a reminder of the sleeveless, short, bias-cut bridesmaid's dress I've got to put on in May are enough to boost my willpower.

About a month ago, I joined Weight Watchers- again. This time I'm following their Online program, which is cheaper, less public and works for me. I've done the meetings thing before, in 2004, and lost about 25 lbs. It felt great, I loved it, it was easy...and then I quit.

Since then, I've gained back that weight, and lost the same ten pounds of it over and over and over. I've joined gyms, done yoga, participated in the Self Magazine Fitness Challenge and sworn off sweets, fries and cheese more times than I can count.

So why do I think I can make a difference now?

Because I'm ready.

Because I value myself more than I used to.

Because I know I can, because I know I need to, and because I can't bear the thought of being photographed at my current size and shape in a slinky little dress.



*To be fair, it's a relatively forgiving cut, ivory and satin.