Sunday, April 11, 2010

How much do I have to lose before I see it?

One of the biggest frustrations I have, and the symptom that inevitably always leads to me falling off a diet, is that weight loss doesn't show up for me until I've lost a significant amount of weight.

Last year, when I dropped almost 20 lbs, I was wearing the same size. My measurements were different, I felt better, but I looked exactly the same. My boyfriend, who sees me naked or nearly naked every.single.day didn't even notice.

I was so frustrated. I'm 5'9, and I'm fortunate that I guess I carry weight relatively well - I wear a size 16 (though lately that's been a tight squeeze), I shop in regular, non-plus size stores and I don't bloat a lot. A gain of 10 lbs doesn't show up as much as it would if I was petite.

But that's another problem. The discipline isn't there because it 'doesn't matter' if I slip up a little.

A few months ago, Gary's mom was visiting and the two of them were talking about all the weight she has lost. She's 59, and in the last year, she's started exercising, watching her diet and making better decisions. She looks great - and she's lost probably 20 lbs.

I was so frustrated, and so hurt, and so upset. Awhile later, I turned to Gary and told him that I was proud of his mom, but that I had lost the exact same amount of weight and he didn't even notice.

I seek encouragement from outside. Other people's opinions, criticism and praise have always meant way more to me than what I think. I guess what I've learned now is that I have to ask for it. I have to tell Gary, and my friends, and my family, that I'm making an effort. I loathe the idea of asking for compliments and praise, but that's what fuels my inner fire.

At least until I learn to motivate myself, and stick with that motivation.

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