Sunday, August 15, 2010
C25K: Day One (Sort of)
This weekend I started the Couch25K program. But I didn't start at Week One.
I've been doing the Week One intervals (1 minute running, 90 seconds walking) for weeks now. I've done that workout dozens of times, but I've never been confident enough to do Week Two. I don't know what my mental block was - fear of commitment to the program? Fear of pain, or being uncomfortable? Shame? Knowing that if I actually graduated past the first three workouts, I might actually have to admit to myself that this is something I want to do, even if I might not succeed at it immediately?
For whatever reason, I'd never graduated to Week Two. But now I have. I jumped right in, Gary on the treadmill beside me, doing 90 second running and 2 minute walking intervals. And it felt fantastic.
The night before, I had a dream that was really upsetting. I was back in school, and all of the kids in my class were making fun of me. The kids older than me were making fun of me, too. Then I was my current age, and they were still mocking me. Joking, teasing, taunting.
While I don't actually recall a lot of the teasing and taunting I experienced as a kid, I definitely was drawing on memory. Memory of how I felt as a pre-teen. What I thought the other kids were thinking and saying about me when I wasn't there.
When I woke up, I realized that I don't hate running. I hate feeling like I did when I was a chubby twelve year old: being last. Being slower than everyone else. Being different, and not keeping up, or fitting in. Letting my team down, or knowing that I'd be sitting on the bench.
I couldn't run as fast as the other kids, so I gave up, and for over a decade now I've been beating myself up about it. As a self-preservation technique, I've held myself back from trying a lot of things because I desperately want to avoid feeling like the last kid picked in gym class. I stuck to shame-free activities that, if I did manage to embarrass myself, odds are everyone else was, too.
Holy Hannah, this running thing is a lot bigger than I thought.