I woke up this morning and realized that it's been awhile since I posted. I hate it when people say things like that, but I am a pretty regular blogger, and it's unusual for me to not post. It's part of my routine, and part of my weight-loss strategy. Writing on this blog keeps me involved and interested in the weight-loss process, even when things turn south.
I am sticking to my strategy of eating more, but honestly, it scares me. I'm scared that tomorrow I'll see a higher number on the scale. This week I've been working on getting over that fear, controlling it, making it not consume me. I probably chose things that weren't the healthiest (chicken fingers, Butter Chicken, copious amounts of naan bread, movie theatre popcorn) but I did stay within my daily, weekly and activity points allowance. I was feeling in control, feeling good about things, but then last night we went out for dinner with a friend for his birthday. I figured I'd order a salad - everyone has salad! Well, not an Indian buffet. So I ate what I ate and tried not to beat myself up about it.
Whatever the scale shows tomorrow, it shows. I'm planning to stick to this strategy for another week anyway, and then if it doesn't work, try to figure out something else.
There have also been a lot of things I've been trying to blog about, but when I sit down to write, it's hard. I have a list of blog posts to write - a personal history post, a post about a behaviour I've had my entire life that I'm trying so desperately to shake, another emotional post about feelings and food. But it's really hard. A lot of you that read this know me in person, and letting you all in on my secrets makes me nervous. I know you won't judge me unkindly, but judge me you still might. Will I be able to look you in the eye at a cocktail party, knowing that you know the exact number I see on the scale or how old I was when I started hating my body or what I do when no one is around to see? Or am I totally over-reacting, and what you're thinking when we run into each other in Starbucks is, 'hey, haven't seen you in a while, your hair looks different!'?
So I'll end this post with a thank you. Everyone reading right now, whether I have shaken your hand or not, you're out there. I imagine that you're cheering me on. You support me by making me be accountable to myself. It's so easy to give up, but the supportive emails, texts and comments from you keep me going when my personal dedication wavers. The last few weeks have been hard, but I know I'll pull through, and you're a big part of that.