It's been a rough couple of weeks for me, motivation wise. I've gone back to some old habits and behaviours, some of which I'm really not proud of.
Right here is a fine example. Yes, that's poutine and a hot dog scarfed down while reading a health and fitness magazine. You wouldn't believe the number of times I've done exactly that in my lifetime. It's embarassing. But there it is.
I've gone to the gym twice since we got back from our vacation, which I better than not going at all, but still not great. I've eaten pretty much whatever I want, whenever I want. I've tried to be reasonable in the quantity I eat, and stop eating when I'm satisfied, but that doesn't always work for me.
Last Wednesday I was up .6 lbs, to 208.8lbs. Right back to where I stared when I pledged to get under 200lbs by Christmas. Christmas is less than three weeks away, and it's not going to happen.
I'm tired. I'm tired of working out and making better choices and thinking about weight loss all the time. I'm tired of trying new things and not getting results. I'm tired of doing the things that used to work, but don't anymore. I'm feeling quite frustrated - it was really, really hard to get to where I am - just over 20lbs down - and I've still got 40 to go. I know how hard that's going to be, and it's daunting.
I don't want to hate the process of finding a wedding gown. I don't want to be frantic about it and sad about how I look for the rest of my life, never mind on the day I'll be the most photographed in my entire life.
But it's hard. And I feel stuck. And I'm sad and angry at myself, and frustrated and tired.
Today the new Weight Watchers program started, and so it's another uphill process. I have to learn a whole new plan, another new way of eating, and learn to get back into doing more activity.
I'm excited, but timid. I've decided to ease myself back into this - maybe I just went too hard and burned out. I'm going to learn the new plan, take baby steps, and head back to the gym - but you won't see me there every day.
It's a welcome change in plans. I'm excited to start fresh. I'm a little burned out, but I'm not giving up. Not today, not tomorrow, not anytime soon.