Thanks for your comments yesterday - whether in person, email or on the blog. I really appreciate that I have so much support from the people in my life - I truly would have given up long ago without you.
I feel better today. I'm not surprised that I do - the frustration is intense, but it doesn't ever last very long.
Yesterday was really bad. Some time after I posted, I went to a spin class over my lunch hour. It was hard. Really, really hard. I was trying to sweat out my stress and disappointment and frustration, but instead I nearly collapsed into giant heaving sobs right there on the bike in the middle of class.
The feeling of holding back tears while running or exerting myself to the max isn't new to me, and reminded me of all the times I did just that while in gym class or practice for some sports team, telling myself how much I sucked and how awful I was and how I was a waste of space over and over. It's not a pleasant recollection for me.
But I made it through. And I had a good, healthy lunch and made it through the day, which even included a two-hour meeting with our mortgage broker (EXCITING TERRIFYING GROWN UP STRESS!). Then I poured my heart out to my fiance, and he listened while I railed on and on about how frustrating it is to not be losing weight, and how much effort it takes to see no results and what's the point?
And after sleeping on it, and a hot shower, and a good breakfast, I feel a whole world better.
Tonight I'm going back to Zumba, something I'm really looking forward to. I've got my water bottle beside me and I'm ready for the day. Today I'm going to forget about what might happen next week, or two months from now, or how I'll look on our wedding day and just do the best I can today.
And then I'll do it tomorrow, too.