Thursday, April 28, 2011

and then I ATE ALL THE FEELINGS

The past week has not been a good one for me. I would say that at this point, I don't define a good week as one that shows a loss on the scale - a good week is one where I track what I eat more often than not, one where I go to the gym more often than not, and one where I feel positive about myself, my appearance and the change I've worked so hard for.

No, this week was not a good one. I'd actually say that the last 10 days were actually not very good.

It started with a shopping trip, to pick out bridesmaid's dresses for a wedding I'm in this coming September. Someone I desperately didn't want to see me looking ANYTHING but my absolute best was there and of course, the sample sized gowns didn't fit me. It was mortifying, standing there, being too fat to fit in the dresses, looking like an idiot, in front of the one person I never, ever, ever want to lose my cool in front of.

Added to the experience of the day - which, let me sum this up as neatly as I can: Because of said unique circumstance and the notion that some friendships are stronger than the circumstances that originally defined them, I went dress shopping with a friend and my fiance's ex AND her mother for seven and a half hours - I was a mess. A 'let me drink an entire bottle of wine and eat an entire box of assorted chocolates RIGHT NOW' mess.

Then my future mother-in-law came to visit. Which while it was really nice to see her, the visit was too long. And some feelings occured. And I didn't like them, so I ate them. In the form of cake. And pie. And pasta. And french fries. And more cake.

Throw in a holiday that is celebrated mostly with chocolate, an impending move, waiting for our lawyer to call us to sign away our lives for the next 30 years, and more work stress than I'd care to share in this forum, I'm a mess.

I don't like having feelings. I don't really know how to deal with them.

So I ate them.

Now I'm trying my hardest to make this week a good one. I'm ordering a bridesmaid's dress that flatters, I'm packing my lunches and counting calories, I'm going back to the gym. I've got Zumba tonight, which always makes me feel sassy and confident.

It's the best we can do, right? Try for a good week. Do what we can to make a good week, or a good day, or even a good afternoon happen.

And somehow, maybe, learn to deal with those feelings by talking or journaling or yelling at the ocean or something, instead of mowing down on three bags of chips and a whole lot of margaritas.

4 comments:

alisonds said...

Sounds like you have had a rubbish week. I am bridesmaid for my brother at the end of August so I can totally empathize with the dress shopping. I am determinded not to be the fattest bridesmaid at my brother's wedding and have a lost 14 pounds so far (despite going on holiday and pigging out!)

You can do it. Just take each day as it comes and if you have a bad day, just start fresh the next. x

Lady Rose said...

I totally ate my feelings yesterday! I actually called Mr. Rose and told him to bring home cake because I had had a terrible day and I needed to eat my feelings.

I'm not sure how to break that habit but if I want to look good when I'm a bridesmaid next year I better figure it out! Let me know if you discover what else to do with feelings...

Anonymous said...

Have you considered seeing a therapist? They may be able to help you explore your feelings and triggers. Not all of them are pro-stars, but if you find someone who's a good fit, maybe go psychoanalytic and explore some early childhood experiences, they may be able to help you enact shifts in your life re: food and feelings

J

Meg said...

Any therapist, or would I need to see a special one?

I think it basically boils down to: I feel bad/hurt/sad/mad. I want comfort. I find comfort in food - temporarily. Cycle repeats.

I see where my actions are stemming from, but I can't think of something comforting that isn't food related that I can turn to during the day at work, or out in public...any help would be greatly appreciated.