Thursday, March 8, 2012


I had a(nother) meltdown last night, and despite a long, deep sleep - usually a cure-all for those things - I woke up still grumpy. I had pie for breakfast and I wish I could tell you that it didn't help, didn't fix it, didn't make me feel better, that I wish I'd had veggies and egg whites and that I've learned my lesson...

but it did.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Lunch - Fast and Frugal

Lazy Sundays are great. Lazy Sundays with a tiny bit of productivity that saves time and money? Awesome.

I made a giant pot of chili in the crock pot for Gary and I to eat for lunch this week.

I love chili. It's fast, cheap, tasty, filling, cheap, easy, and cheap. You can make it with meat or without, and there's not much of a difference. It's easy to make a big batch and feed a crowd.

I make my chili without a recipe, but basically if I'm including meat, I brown it with onion and garlic. I open a bunch of cans - a few cans of beans, a can of corn or mushrooms or both, a can of tomato paste, a can of diced tomatoes and a can of stewed tomatoes. Then I add chili powder, cayenne and because we like it spicy, some dried chili pepper flakes.

I've made it with salsa and taco seasoning and chicken breasts; with more beans, barbecue sauce and left over shredded roast beef, with extra veggies and no meat, with ground beef, turkey, chicken and sausage (but not all at once). Basically, throw it in the pot or slow cooker and let it go as long as you can. It's good after 4 hours, or even just as soon as it's heated through, but I think that it's better after a longer cook time. Once I even cooked it for 10 hours, turned the pot off, put it in the fridge overnight and then cooked it again.

In total, the ingredients, not counting one onion, two cloves of garlic and spices cost us $13.13. This will make at least 8 lunches; That's $1.64 a lunch. Pretty good for our budget, which has been hurtin' lately due to all the fresh vegetables, greek yogurt and expensive lean meats (fish and chicken, chicken and fish...) we've been eating. This recipe works for Cycle 2 of the diet, on 'starch' days.

This time, I saved even more money by buying a tube of frozen ground chicken instead of the fresh. It's ALWAYS on sale at the Coop; this week it was $1.99. I've used it before to make meatballs. The texture doesn't matter as much for meatballs, patties and loaf, so it works perfectly. I was a bit hesitant about how this tube o' meat was going to fry up - but turns out, it was perfect. Crumbly, moist - exactly like the fresh stuff for 1/5 the cost. Now, I'm sure it's not the same quality as organic ground chicken, or grinding it yourself, but that's not what I'm talking about here - this is a recipe that's perfect for the week before you get paid, if you know what I mean.

Do you make a big batch of something for lunches? Do you make your lunch in the morning? Take leftovers? Or are you a buying-my-lunch kinda person?

Friday, March 2, 2012

Friday Weigh In

Well, I'm onto Cycle 2 of the 17 Day Diet. This cycle is slightly confusing to me, but I'm sure it's just a matter of wrapping my head around what's changed.

Basically, every other day you add two servings of natural starches, in the form of certain grains (including oatmeal and brown rice), beans and legumes, or starchy vegetables (like corn and yams). These servings need to be consumed before 2pm. There's also an additional list of proteins, like lean pork, beef, shellfish, that are introduced on the 'starch' days. On the other days, you eat from the Cycle 1 plan of fish/chicken/veggies.

In Cycle 1, I lost a total of 5.2 lbs.

Today, I weighed myself, and I've stayed the same weight as last week. I'm quite pleased, honestly, because I had such a huge loss last week. I expected a bit of a gain as my body sort of levels out - as long as it's a downward trend, right?

I'm looking forward to the week ahead. I slipped a little this week, had a few little treats here and there (mini banana muffins, you are the devil!) but overall I'm quite pleased with what I've eaten and more importantly, how I feel.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Things I have noticed about motivation

What motivates you? When you're working on a project, are you motivated by the process, or the end result? Does the work you put into achieving the goal actually bring you more happiness than actually crossing the finish line?

I guess for me, it's a combination of the two. I love learning how to do something new, mastering a skill. I've learned to knit, to can, to cook. I like learning to dance, taking language classes, writing a novel. The process brings me more pleasure than the finished product, but at the same time...I'm definitely motivated by what I'm going to "get" when I'm finished.

When it comes to weight loss, it seems like the whole time, my eye is on "the prize" - a smaller me - and it's less about enjoying the process to get there.

I'm also motivated by external validation. A gold star, compliment, credit for my work. In the context of weight loss, that could mean a coworker or friend I don't see regularly asking me if I've lost weight. My mom telling me I look slimmer. Getting a compliment from my partner. And frankly, one of the things that is hard to swallow is the waiting period. when will someone notice? I notice. I feel different. I definitely notice that my clothes fit better. Surely I must look different?

But here's the thing. To other people - I don't. They might notice that I have more confidence, or more energy, but will they notice that I have less muffin top? Unlikely.

I read a few months ago that it takes 4 weeks for you to notice a difference in yourself, 8 weeks for your closest friends to notice, and 12 weeks for the rest of the world to notice the difference.

Processing that has really helped me stay motivated. I do notice a difference at 3.5 weeks, but I live in my body and see and feel it every day.

I notice how after eating too much - even too much broccoli and chicken - I feel bloated and uncomfortable. I used to relish that "full" feeling. Now I loathe it.

I notice that in the mirror, my hips are slimmer. My belt is looser. My waist is smaller. These changes are tiny, but I feel better.

I feel lighter. I sleep better. How can anyone else notice whether I'm sleeping better?

Working to enjoy the process, and doing this for me and my personal growth (and shrinkage!) is definitely going to be a key to success. External validation and compliments are great, but at the end of the day, it has to be me who looks in the mirror and says, 'you look awesome, lady. keep going!'

Friday, February 24, 2012

Friday Weigh In

First of all, I want to brag a bit. Yesterday I went to Zumba despite several opportunities to ditch the gym. Gary couldn't make it, I could have gone home early, I had a headache, I was really tired - but instead, I went to Zumba, and then I wasn't grumpy and tired anymore. I was too busy sweating and shaking my rump and looking ridiculous to think about being tired.

This morning I saw some serious movement on the scale! I had a loss of 4.6 lbs. That's incredible. All that fish and cabbage must be paying off - and I'm showing myself that the one pizza binge I had was, in the grand scheme of things, not worth falling off the rails for. I got back up immediately, stuck to my diet and exercise plan and I feel awesome.

More importantly, I am feeling much better. I feel "lighter" and I definitely have more energy (despite complaining in my first paragraph about being tired). I can't imagine making it through the past three weeks feeling the way I was back in mid-January; sluggish, exhausted and embarassed. Now I feel empowered, in control and I'm working my way back to feeling quite sassy.

I've got a weekend full of plans with friends, several of which will put me smack in front of the beer and nacho train. But I'm determined now to stick to my plan; perhaps I will indulge myself in one cold, delicious beer, but that's it. How will I make that work? I'll have the car keys :)

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

A new recipe

I really like cooking, and I particularly like it when I try a new food and a new recipe and it turns out really well.

I made Blackened Tilapia for dinner tonight. I've never cooked tilapia - in fact, I might have never actually eaten it - but it seems to be an inoffensive fish. Not too fishy tasting, not too difficult to cook. I know that I like cod and salmon, so I thought I'd give it a try.

I bought fresh tilapia filets at the fish counter at the Coop, they were about $7 for two good-sized filets.

I've linked to the recipe above, but the gist of it is really simple. While I heated a little olive oil over medium heat in a non-stick skillet, I rubbed some cajun seasoning blend into both sides of the fish. I fried it for about 3 minutes per side, until it was cooked through. It was delicious!

Served with roasted cauliflower and carrots, it was a perfect, light, satisfying dinner that worked with Cycle 1 of my diet and is definitely going to be added to my list of quick go-to dinners for the future.

What's your favourite, healthy way to cook fish?

Monday, February 20, 2012

Pizza is not a vegetable


I had a slip.

On Sunday, after waking up from a nap feeling less rested and relaxed and more tense and stressed, I walked into the living room and told Gary that we could either go to the grocery store and buy the stuff we needed for dinner, or we could order pizza, because one night off my diet wasn't going to kill me.

And you know what? It probably won't.

Outside of my diet and exercise life, the past two weeks have been really, really hard. Things are super stressful at work with the giant fundraiser and a transition of managers, I've had a falling out with my sibling (we'll patch it up, we always do), I'm getting worried about wedding planning stuff, and my friend, who is also my team-mate at work, was called out of the office unexpectedly to deal with a sudden illness in her family that ultimately resulted in the really untimely loss of her younger brother. He was a great guy, and he will be missed dearly.

Add those things up and I'm really, really stressed.

When we buy groceries, we do it on Sundays. Except on long weekends, when we buy groceries on Mondays. Usually on long weekends, we'll go out to dinner a few times or we're just not here - but this weekend was different. I can't really go out to eat, plus, money is a bit tight right now. But we didn't plan ahead, and so on Sunday night, when we had no groceries and I was feeling quite down and a bit sorry for myself, I called Panago for help.

I ate four slices of thin crust hawaiian pizza, and yes, it was delicious. I could have stopped at two slices. And I'm back on my diet plan today, eating veggies and chicken and yogurt and fish and eggs.

I feel some regret, but it's just one meal, one breakdown in preparation and stress levels and self-pity.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Bridal Buffing

I love a long weekend. I especially love a long weekend with nowhere to go - with both our families living in different provinces, Gary and I spend most long weekends of the year driving to his mom's in BC, or my parents' house in Saskatchewan. But this weekend, we are home, with no major plans, and it feels so good.

This morning we slept in, which was heaven. Finally we got up and headed to the gym.

image source

I did 30 minutes of cardio and then did a strength training workout. For this past week, I've been using an App I bought, and I'm really liking it so far.

As we all know, I'm a bride-to-be, and though I've managed to keep my stack of bridal magazines to a paltry four - and I bought almost all of them before we actually got engaged - brides are kind of a walking target for wedding-themed stuff. I've been good at restraining myself for the most part, but this one I sprung for.

The app is called Shape Bride, and it was produced by Shape Magazine. It was something like $1.99, so I hit "buy" one night and figured that I might as well see what it was like.

I really enjoy using it. It's an eight-week plan, with 3 strength training workouts per week (you do the same routines for the first four weeks, then there's a new set for the second four weeks), and three suggested cardio workouts. There's also an abs and core section, and then some bridal planning tips that I am completely ignoring because I really don't need another reminder that I have a ton of stuff to do and am rapidly running out of time.

You do each one of the three strength training routines a week, on non-consecutive days. They're all different, but hit the same major areas - arms, shoulders, back, legs (lunges and squats, damn you!) and a core exercise. Pretty much the basic areas any lady wearing a dress that may not be or might be strapless - and may have long lace sleeves, but maybe it doesn't - or maybe she's wearing a cape, I dunno, you can still do that in July - is concerned about toning up.

I'm doing my own thing for cardio right now, because I like to hit a zumba class at least once a week, but aim for at least 3 sessions lasting 30 minutes or longer a week.

The routines are easy to follow, the app doesn't require internet, which is great because I just have an iPod touch and the gym has no wifi. I'm definitely feeling it in my arms and my thighs!

I don't have the money to hire a personal trainer right now, and for 2 bucks, I'm satisfied. The routines can be done at home or at the gym - you need hand weights, a resistance cord, a bench or chair and a mat.

If you're not a bride, there are other Shape apps, like a "little black dress" workout, a pilates app, and one that focuses on the lower body. I'll definitely be checking them out when this wedding is over.

I was not compensated in any way for this blog post, I just thought this was a cool product and wanted to share.

Friday, February 17, 2012

Friday Weigh-In


I weighed in this morning and posted a loss of 1.6 lbs.

The scale is a funny thing. So is the body. Yesterday morning I weighed myself, which I know is a habit I need to drop, but I was down BIG time - like, 6 lbs. Seeing that number made me a little giddy, and so when I weighed in this morning and it was a much more modest loss, I was mildly disapointed.

But then I took my rocks out of the jar and felt pretty pleased with myself.

I do feel really good, and after 4 days of the 17 Day Diet plan, I have more energy and the cravings for spaghetti and pastry have started to subside. Last night's dinner of roasted cauliflower, salmon and salad was extremely satisfying. It feels awesome.

Except - well, this is kind of a gross thing to reveal on the interwebs, but when you eat a lot of "roughage" vegetables, like cabbage and broccoli and cauliflower, your digestion can behave in strange ways. I'm looking forward to some movement in that area, but other than that, I really do feel awesome.

I can't believe I just blogged about constipation.

Well, there you go. Happy Friday!

Tuesday, February 14, 2012


Baby carrots, peas and water.

Yesterday was really good. I happily ate my salads and veggies and chicken breast and fish. I did an elliptical workout and felt really great at the end of the day, no cravings to report.

Today is a different story. Day two, and I'm craving pasta. And pie. Carby and sweet.

But I gave myself a pep talk as I dished out my veggies.

Do you want to eat pie, or do you want to buy cute new summer clothes for your new, slimmer figure?
Erm, clothes.

Do you want to skip the gym, or do you want to feel proud on your wedding day?

Totally going to the gym!

Do you want to say to hell with it, and go out for italian, or do you want to FINALLY wear a bikini on the beach, on your honeymoon?

I'm pretty sure the coworker who caught me muttering to myself thinks I'm totally bonkers, but for now - cravings conquered.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Sunday Night Prep

I had a disappointing weigh-in on Friday. I was up about 4 lbs. I know why - it's been an incredibly stressful week at work, preparing for our big party (which went so well), getting ready for my current manager to transition off the mat leave she's been covering and my "regular" manager to come back; and covering my coworker's desk as she's been called away for a family emergency. I've been tired, and when I'm tired, I go straight for the carby treats and talk myself out of the gym.

The good news is, I'm taking it in stride. I'm still down in weight overall, and I'm starting the 17 Day Diet plan again tomorrow. I need a little more structure right now, as one scone tends to lead me down a cookie-paved sugar path. Cookies - see you in a few weeks :)

I've picked up all the groceries I'll need for my week. Eggs and smoothies for breakfasts, salads and chicken vegetable soup for lunches, and fish and roasted veggies for dinners.

I baked 5 chicken breasts and sliced them up for salads and the soup that I'll make later this week. Veggies are ready to go in the crisper, and I'm actually really looking forward to it - because eating that way ultimately gives me so much more energy. It's just hard to remember that when the candy bowl is calling, right?

Yesterday was the big party, and I found a dress late on Friday afternoon at Ricki's. It's a knit turquoise wrap dress, and I ADORE it. I got several compliments from other shoppers, and then at the party strangers came up to me and told me that they loved what I was wearing. That's always such a huge boost, isn't it?

I only got one, terrible, very late night grumpy face "Can I go home and take these damn shoes off, it's been 8 hours..." picture. I'll be wearing this dress until it falls apart, I love it so much, so I guarantee I'll get a better shot at one of the wedding-related functions we've got coming up.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Weekend Report

I'm going to admit that I didn't track what I ate this weekend. We went home to visit my Mom and Dad, attend the annual Oasis Players Dinner Theatre (coincidentally, the caterers were serving the same menu we will serve at our wedding, so we got to try it out. I believe that in fancy wedding circles, they call this a "tasting")

I watched what I ate and tried not to go overboard, and that'll have to do. It was a very busy weekend.

On the upside, I had my first dress fitting. I was worried that the dress I bought in November, that was too big then, might not fit anymore due to my few months of completely out of control overindulgence.

Good news! It fit! We worked with the seamstress to pin the bustle hooks (this will be complicated, Bridespeoples, brace yourself) and she's taking it in an inch on either side at the bustline, according to my measurements now. If in June, it's still too big, because I have become smaller, then we'll go smaller yet.

I can't wait to wear it! I felt really gorgeous, even with bad hair and pins sticking out in every direction.

Is this what it looks like? Perhaps yes. Perhaps no. You'll find out in July :)

Friday, February 3, 2012


I took 56 rocks out of the jar this morning.

That's a lot of rocks!

I was down 5.6 lbs today, and I'm owning every single one of them. It feels great to be back on track.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

But I'm Not at My Ideal Formal Wear Weight

I've talked about this before, a while ago. I've got a job that requires me to attend a number of "fabulous parties" every year. They are excellent parties and don't get me wrong - a lot of fun - but they can also be very stressful.

Particularly the "what do I wear?" issue.

I have a large stock of cocktail dresses I keep in my closet and rotate through for events. Most of them are black, most of them are at least 5 years old, and all of them are boring.

We have a big, big, BIG event at work next weekend, and I've just learned that not only will I be attending, I'll also be speaking on-camera to any media that attend.

I need to look awesome.

I've got two options - one is a sparkly red cocktail dress that is swishy and fun, but VERY loud. And maybe a bit matronly.

The other is aforementioned bridesmaid's dress that doesn't fit.

I don't really have the money to go buy a whole new outfit, nor do I want to buy a new party dress in the size I'm currently at, given that I hope to be minus forty-five pounds in the future.


Double spanx it and wear the bridesmaid's dress, or risk looking like a rhino in a sparkly red gown next to the herd of tastefully sequined gazelles?

Sometimes, being a lady is really, really hard.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Roses for my Calendar

This is a familiar tactic, and one I've never stopped doing, but the tiny little star stickers I've been posting on my calendar on days that I work out aren't cutting it for me anymore.

For the month of February, every day that I go to the gym, I'll get one of these totally obnoxious glitter and rhinestone rose stickers on the calendar.

I picked the roses for two reasons - one, I'm a sucker for seasonal holidays (Turkeys in October, Shamrocks in March) and it's the cheesiest of all the holidays this month, but the second is more personal. The flowers I've chosen for my wedding bouquet are red roses.

Every time I see these gaudy, sparkly, fabulous stickers, I'll remember that vision, the goal I have of walking down the aisle, confident and feeling beautiful.

Monday, January 30, 2012

Tool: Tracking

I know that to make this weight loss work, and make it stick, I need to be accountable. And I know that I need to journal/track/write down what I'm eating.

I've used a lot of different methods over the years - the weight watchers system and their online tracker, pen and paper, even posting my daily food consumption on this blog.

This time I've decided to use SparkPeople, because it's free, it's online, and it's easy. It works with pretty much every diet system (except Weight Watchers, but it's essentially the same). I've used it before, and it has a recipe calculator, and the website is kind of fun to use.

I'm sure there are hundreds of options out there. I thought about going back to pen and paper, but for now, this is the best option for me.

What do you use to stay on track?

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Starting from Scratch

I stepped on the scale at the gym on Friday night and scoffed. It must be broken, I thought. It's definitely not the same as the scale at home, I reassured myself.

And then on Saturday morning, I checked the scale at home - for the first time in several months - and surprise, surprise. The scale at the gym was bang on.


That's almost right back where I started in 2010.

Utterly depressing, right?

Well, yes. And, no.

I'm all for a fresh start. I've had dozens of fresh starts. But I sort of reassured myself when I fell off the wagon, knowing that I'd "maintained" my weight loss for over a year.

I've stopped maintaining, and put on about 10 pounds since October. That's a wakeup call that I definitely needed, knowing that I can't eat whatever I want and stay the same weight - even if it was a weight I wasn't exactly happy with.

So instead of getting depressed and heading for the chips, I've decided it's time to get real with my bad self.

I got dressed and headed out to Michael's to pick up a few things I'd need to motivate myself.

This is the first tool I'll be using. I got the idea from my friend Carmen, who got the idea from here.

Inside this glass container are 450 rocks. I know, I counted them each individually. Each rock represents a tenth of a pound - so 45 pounds. Every week, I'll remove from the jar the appropriate number of rocks - if I lose .40 of a pound, I'll take out 4 rocks. If I'm down 5 lbs (hahahaha) I'll take 50 out of the jar. And then, one day, that jar will be empty.

Something I've always had trouble with is the notion that smaller losses are just as good as larger ones - because they're more sustainable. If I'd lost even .2 pound/week for a year, I would have lost 10 pounds, not put them back on.

So this tool is going to serve to remind me of that fact. It's sitting in my living room right now, but it's going to move around. Maybe the dining room. Maybe the kitchen counter. Maybe the bathroom. Wherever I need to see it, to be reminded of my goals.

I've got a few other tools that I'll be using to get on track and stay motivated, so check back later this week. I can't WAIT to share good news with you :)

Thursday, January 26, 2012


The internet is not a very nice place sometimes. And I've been really fortunate to not actually experience this first-hand. I don't have any snarky commentors, and I'm really grateful for that.

I was on a website recently, looking for some shapewear to wear under my wedding gown. Shapewar is awesome. It smoothes out everything and thank god for it. But anyway, I was poking around, looking at photos and reviews, when I came across a "vision board" that someone had made, that was basically a collage of plus sized brides on one side (faces cropped out) and much slimmer brides on the other side. One set was under a heading that read something like "How I probably look now, gross" and the other set had a "motivation!" headline.

You can guess which set of photos went with which headline, right?

It broke my heart. It hurt so much to think that somewhere out there, someone might be looking at photos of me and filing them under a "gross, stop eating or you'll look like this! FAT BRIDE!" file.

But I do it to myself all the time. I have a photo of myself in a bathing suit when I was 20 pounds heavier that I look at sometimes when I'm craving nachos. I think, "gross, don't want to look like that! Ewww." and then feel quite satisifed that I've resisted temptation.

How is that ok? Running through the scenario casting the words I say to myself in the mouth of someone else makes me want to die. The hot shame, the pain, the feeling of choking back tears. I'd never say something like that to someone else.

But I say those things to myself and believe them ALL THE TIME.

I don't know where I'm going with this. We're all beautiful. I couldn't believe that someone would actually say/write those things about gorgeous women on one of the days when they are told to be, and are actively trying to be, their most attractive. It's an important day, a memorable day, a vulnerable day.

But I can't decide if it's more appauling that I might say those things about myself.

Monday, January 16, 2012

I am still sick.

This is the longest I've been sick in a very long time. Last week was spent moving from bed to couch to office and back to bed. Tonight I have plans to head to the gym, but only if I'm still feeling ok. Given the number of people there, it seems like perfect germ breeding and spreading conditions, and even I'm not that cruel.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Under the weather

Friday night we were super exciting people without children or responsibilities and hit the gym. Ah, Fridays at the gym - quiet, spacious, undisturbed workout time, even in the midst of the resolution rush.

We had plans to do the same on Saturday morning, but when Gary and I woke up, he was feeling very stiff and quite sore in his leg, and I was feeling like I'd caught the cold Gary nursed all of last week.

So, instead, we went for breakfast and then I met a friend for coffee. Gary hung out with his friends and I made dinner for my brother - pure comfort food, sausage and perogies sent back to us from Grandma's - and then I spent Saturday night and most of Sunday on the couch, consuming cough drops and watching Downton Abbey.

My fingers are crossed that I'll be feeling better tomorrow. I'm really hoping to get to the gym 5 times (yikes!) this week, but it's very hard to get motivated when you feel like your head is full of fluff and the couch is calling your name.

What's your go-to workout for days when you're feeling a bit sick? Or do you scrap the workout and call it a rest day? I'm not sure I deserve any rest quite yet - you kind of have to do some real work first, don't you?

Friday, January 6, 2012

Lunch at My Desk

This is my lunch today. Half a chicken breast that I baked in the oven, leftover from dinner on Wednesday, with spinach, a few walnuts, and a handful of raspberries and blackberries. Top it with a tiny bit of calorie wise balsamic vinaigrette, and it's pretty tasty!

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Hello, Old Friend

I spent some time with an old, trusted friend today - the elliptical machine at the gym.

The gym was, as you can expect for the first week of January - totally packed. But it was a pleasant surprise to see that the gym has replaced a lot of their equipment, and added several more cardio machines. That's great, because finding a treadmill or bike can sometimes be really challenging during peak hours.

I refrained from commenting on the "new machines" in case they were actually brought in sometime in early November, which, to my estimation, is the last time I set foot in there.


But it felt good to reconnect with my old pal, who tonight, I shall call Elly. I'm not a fan of giving names or genders to inanimate objects, however, so I wouldn't really expect to see the name stick.

Have you made it back to the gym? Did you go through the holidays when it was dead and are grumbly about the influx of new blood, or does it excite you to see so many new, fresh, dedicated faces?

Monday, January 2, 2012

Embarassed, Disappointed, Ashamed

Those are three words that describe how I feel about my diet and fitness efforts lately, and generally about myself.

In late September, I was in a wedding. This is the picture. I'm the girl on the left at the end. Nice dress, right?

Well, I figured I'd wear it for my company Christmas party in the middle of December, two and a half months later.

Except it didn't fit.

My dear fiance, Gary, was kind enough to spend 10 mintues with me trying to get the zipper up in the back. Of course it fits. Don't be ridiculous - I just wore it! is what I was thinking.

Finally, the zipper was up but the dress was bunching in the back, obviously too small. I bit back tears as Gary told me that it didn't matter, I was lovely, why don't I put on the black dress I wore the weekend before?

He loves that black dress. I wore it when we got engaged.

I hate it. It's a safety dress. It's black stretch jersey, draped in front, and hides a multitude of sins - and big fluctuations in waist size.

That day I added mortified to the list of words that describe how I feel about my body. And I sat around for the rest of the month, shoving whatever I wanted into my mouth and not going to the gym - because what's the point? I am fat.

Then today, I woke up, and after I blinked back my hangover, I realized that I don't want this to happen on my wedding day. I don't want this to happen on any day, ever again.

I'm tired of being embarassed and hiding in well-cut drapey dresses. I'm tired of putting the jeans that make my butt look awesome in the back of the closet because I've gained a bit too much weight to pull them off. I'm tired of looking at photos and thinking they should be titled, God, Look at How Fat My Arms Look.

I'm tired, and feeling quite depressed about it. I want to be done with wallowing and just DO it already, dang it.

Anyone else with me?