This post has been a hard one to actually sit down and write.
2012 was a really big year for me. Yes, some truly excellent things happened. I got married, in my hometown, in front of so much love that sometimes I still tear up when I think about how many amazing people trekked from far and wide and across oceans to see Gary and I make it official. The thing that I didn't realize while we were planning our wedding was that it feels amazing to have that much joy and all the people you love all in one place, at the same time. And our wedding, dude. It was fun.
But rolled up around that big awesome was a lot of really shitty times. We both hit huge career bumps several times - lay offs, threats of lay offs, restructurings, pay cuts, unemployment, new jobs that started out great but rapidly turned sour... and that's just the work side of life. There was the usual drama that seeps in from all angles, friends and family and navigating the waters of fully merging our lives. Oh, and wedding planning, which actually is my least favourite hobby in the whole world.
And I gained a whole truckload of weight. I abandoned my gym membership and diets and squeezed myself into my lovely wedding gown (which I still think looked great but sometimes looking through photos makes me realize I could have tried so much harder). When we were living on one crappy income, we ate a lot of cheap convenience foods and basically sat around our home trying to hold tight to our mortgage and were miserable.
It was not a good year.
But in the last quarter of the year, it got better. Way better. We both found jobs that we totally love and I am happy to report that they seem to love us, too.
Our financial situation righted itself, and we're stable and secure and even have some extra cash lying around to do some fun things.
Like buy new clothes because I'm too fat to fit into most of the stuff I own.
This isn't supposed to be a sad-sack, Oh Woe, My Life is So Hard post because really, it isn't. I'm sure that 20 years from now we'll look back on the year we got married and laugh about it. We made it, we made it together, and that's the important part - and I'm sure that the boat will get rocked with harder, tougher, truly devastating things in the future, because that's how life works.
And so in January, life feeling stable, reeling from seeing myself in the photos from Christmas, I hauled my self into a weight watchers meeting and started all over again.
It's been 8 weeks and I've lost about 5 lbs, which isn't much considering the successes I've had before, but at least it's not 5 lbs in the other direction.
This time, it's really hard. Not that it wasn't hard before, but I felt so much more optimism and hope. Now, I feel desperate. And sad. And ashamed.
But hey, here I am. Ready to give it another go. With some really good reasons in my back pocket, and not one of them is a frigging strapless white dress.