Monday, May 13, 2013

Monday

Am I ever glad I prepared everything yesterday, because my entire day derailed before the clock even hit 10:30 this morning. 

Not only did I oversleep, I walked straight into a massive heap of unexpected work that meant that I wouldn't have had time to go buy something healthy for lunch. If I hadn't prepared and packed breakfast, lunch and snacks yesterday, I would have ended up eating nothing, or, more likely, macaroni and cheese and some kind of giant muffin from the cafe in our building. 

By 4:30, I wasn't sure if I'd make it out of the office on time for my 7:30 Zumba class, but I did. Instead of collapsing on the couch, I grabbed my quick dinner and headed to the gym. I had an awesome time, and then I settled in for an evening of laundry, blog reading and half-fat ice cream (measured!) eating.

How was your Monday? Ready to do it all again tomorrow?

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Bachelorette for the week

Gary's away for most of this week on a business trip, and that leaves me footloose and fancy free to do whatever I want!

I love my spouse, I cherish our home life, I thoroughly enjoy his company, blah blah, of course I do. All of these things are true. There's nobody on the planet who delights me the way he does. 

But I love being home alone every once in awhile.

Usually this would mean that I could eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, from the comfort of the couch. Downton Abbey marathons! An entire order of butter chicken and naan! Takeout from the fish and chips joint across the street! An entire block of cheese! Popcorn and wine for dinner! You name the unhealthy decision, and I'd make it. There was no one around to see the damage, so I figured that it didn't count.

I'm the cook in our family. We grocery shop together but I do 95% of the planning, the prep work, the cooking and the cleanup. Only having to look after myself used to mean that I could take a break.

But this week I'm really dedicated to feeling good about myself, my decisions and my commitment.

I planned out all my meals - all of them. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks. I mapped out my grocery list and then I got down to work.

I pre-made overnight oats with berries for breakfast. I chopped up veggies for snacks. I prepared 3 days worth of lunches, a delicious asian beef noodle salad (with whole wheat pasta and tons of veg). I even made a dinner tonight that will last me for the next 2 days.

I weighed and measured out snacks like pita chips and a light kettlecorn. I wrote out the points on all my little bags, so I'm ready to grab and go.

I'm ready for the week ahead, and since Gary dismantled the television and media server before he left (in preparation for our renovation, not because he's mean), the temptation to skip the gym, fall into the couch and zone out with some quality British costume drama has been removed.

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Saturday WI

This morning I got out of bed and dragged myself to my meeting to weigh in. I knew I'd be up. My bad day last week didn't turn into a bad week, but I knew I wouldn't be marking a loss.

I'm glad I went. I was up a pound, for a total overall loss of 10.4 lbs. I also finished an entire weight log book, which is 16 weeks of weigh-ins at meetings. I've never gone to meetings for this long and this consistently before. I'm not winning any personal bests in how much I've lost or how fast, but I keep going.

Today I'm starting fresh. I'm wiping the slate of my bad day and my meh week and starting over. I've had a nice breakfast (corn bran cereal, milk, fruit and a latte), I'm signed up for a zumba class later this morning, and I'm starting to plan my week ahead.

I wish I could see a significant loss every Saturday. I wish I could look back at the last 16 meetings and be much closer to my goal. But 10.4 lbs in 16 weeks isn't bad. It's a little more than a half pound a week. It'll add up. I'll keep going.

Sunday, May 5, 2013

bad days

I had a bad day yesterday.

I don't mean that I ate too many fatty foods, or didn't exercise, or made poor choices. People who are trying to lose weight often classify a day that wasn't perfectly in accordance with their diet plan as a "bad' one. I know I have, and I do, and I will.

But that's not what I mean.

I mean, I had the kind of bad day where I sat on the floor in my bedroom, surrounded by the contents of the semi-formal/formal section of my closet and sobbed.

I mean, I had the kind of bad day where I struggled with every move at zumba class, where every mis-step and wrong turn made me feel slow, and fat, and stupid.

I mean, I had the kind of bad day where I very nearly missed out on a friend's amazing birthday party because I couldn't bear the sight of myself, pudgy and round, in the dresses that did fit, the ones I pulled out of that soggy, tear-stained heap.

No human being has ever said anything half as cruel, as mean, or as damning to another person as what I said to myself yesterday.

Yesterday it didn't matter that I tell a good joke, or that I'm a good listener, or that I laugh with my whole body. It didn't matter to me that I can discuss both world issues and the upcoming star trek film, or that I have beautiful hands with small round nails, or that I will always keep a friend's (or a stranger's) secret,  or that I can learn something new so quickly that sometimes I surprise myself.

It mattered that I'm fat.

I'm so tired of crying because a dress doesn't fit. I'm so tired of watching other people move with more agility and speed and envying their slender limbs and wondering what is so wrong with me that I can't be like them, even when I'm trying so hard. I'm tired of asking my husband if he thinks I'm attractive for the hundredth time.

Sometimes, I have bad days, and those bad days really, really suck.

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Thank You, Captain Obvious

I was changing in the locker room last night and listening to the conversation being had by the two women beside me.

One of them was really upset by the way the room smelled.

"It stinks! It smells like sweat! And feet! It smells like sweaty feet in here!"

Well, I hate to break it to you, cupcake, but you're at the gym. That's sort of a given, isn't it? In fact, for some people, I'd say that coming here and getting sweaty, and yes, a bit smelly - is kind of the point.