Sunday, May 5, 2013

bad days

I had a bad day yesterday.

I don't mean that I ate too many fatty foods, or didn't exercise, or made poor choices. People who are trying to lose weight often classify a day that wasn't perfectly in accordance with their diet plan as a "bad' one. I know I have, and I do, and I will.

But that's not what I mean.

I mean, I had the kind of bad day where I sat on the floor in my bedroom, surrounded by the contents of the semi-formal/formal section of my closet and sobbed.

I mean, I had the kind of bad day where I struggled with every move at zumba class, where every mis-step and wrong turn made me feel slow, and fat, and stupid.

I mean, I had the kind of bad day where I very nearly missed out on a friend's amazing birthday party because I couldn't bear the sight of myself, pudgy and round, in the dresses that did fit, the ones I pulled out of that soggy, tear-stained heap.

No human being has ever said anything half as cruel, as mean, or as damning to another person as what I said to myself yesterday.

Yesterday it didn't matter that I tell a good joke, or that I'm a good listener, or that I laugh with my whole body. It didn't matter to me that I can discuss both world issues and the upcoming star trek film, or that I have beautiful hands with small round nails, or that I will always keep a friend's (or a stranger's) secret,  or that I can learn something new so quickly that sometimes I surprise myself.

It mattered that I'm fat.

I'm so tired of crying because a dress doesn't fit. I'm so tired of watching other people move with more agility and speed and envying their slender limbs and wondering what is so wrong with me that I can't be like them, even when I'm trying so hard. I'm tired of asking my husband if he thinks I'm attractive for the hundredth time.

Sometimes, I have bad days, and those bad days really, really suck.


Lady Rose said...

Sigh. It's hard.

That's all.

It's just hard.

RescuingLisa said...

Sending you hugs and hoping that today is a better day.

Use this as motivation to keep going - keep tracking and remember that there is a light at the end of this tunnel :)

Bre Lee O'Reilly said...

I'm just catching up on your posts now (finally remembered that Frank said you were posting again!) and I have to tell you that you looked AWESOME that Saturday night. I came home & told my mom about how great you looked. Love your hair cut, and that dress looked amazing on you! We all have those days, and while they suck I just wanted to tell you that I think you look fabulous. And I'm so happy you came to the party. :)

Helen said...

Recently I have stumbled upon a curious article providing the analysis, conducted by nutrition scientists, on which elements are essential for keeping great shape and how they work - They also write a lot about pre-workout and post-workout nutrition. Very interesting information for all athletes.