Sunday, May 5, 2013

bad days

I had a bad day yesterday.

I don't mean that I ate too many fatty foods, or didn't exercise, or made poor choices. People who are trying to lose weight often classify a day that wasn't perfectly in accordance with their diet plan as a "bad' one. I know I have, and I do, and I will.

But that's not what I mean.

I mean, I had the kind of bad day where I sat on the floor in my bedroom, surrounded by the contents of the semi-formal/formal section of my closet and sobbed.

I mean, I had the kind of bad day where I struggled with every move at zumba class, where every mis-step and wrong turn made me feel slow, and fat, and stupid.

I mean, I had the kind of bad day where I very nearly missed out on a friend's amazing birthday party because I couldn't bear the sight of myself, pudgy and round, in the dresses that did fit, the ones I pulled out of that soggy, tear-stained heap.

No human being has ever said anything half as cruel, as mean, or as damning to another person as what I said to myself yesterday.

Yesterday it didn't matter that I tell a good joke, or that I'm a good listener, or that I laugh with my whole body. It didn't matter to me that I can discuss both world issues and the upcoming star trek film, or that I have beautiful hands with small round nails, or that I will always keep a friend's (or a stranger's) secret,  or that I can learn something new so quickly that sometimes I surprise myself.

It mattered that I'm fat.

I'm so tired of crying because a dress doesn't fit. I'm so tired of watching other people move with more agility and speed and envying their slender limbs and wondering what is so wrong with me that I can't be like them, even when I'm trying so hard. I'm tired of asking my husband if he thinks I'm attractive for the hundredth time.

Sometimes, I have bad days, and those bad days really, really suck.

4 comments:

Lady Rose said...

Sigh. It's hard.

That's all.

It's just hard.

RescuingLisa said...

Sending you hugs and hoping that today is a better day.

Use this as motivation to keep going - keep tracking and remember that there is a light at the end of this tunnel :)

Bre Lee O'Reilly said...

I'm just catching up on your posts now (finally remembered that Frank said you were posting again!) and I have to tell you that you looked AWESOME that Saturday night. I came home & told my mom about how great you looked. Love your hair cut, and that dress looked amazing on you! We all have those days, and while they suck I just wanted to tell you that I think you look fabulous. And I'm so happy you came to the party. :)

Helen said...

Recently I have stumbled upon a curious article providing the analysis, conducted by nutrition scientists, on which elements are essential for keeping great shape and how they work - http://bit.ly/Qh9G8S. They also write a lot about pre-workout and post-workout nutrition. Very interesting information for all athletes.